I am struggling with knowledge of the fact that change does not come from the things I put on, but rather from my choices within.
I went to church tonight, made the drive over to trussville- and loved every bit of it.
I was weak, and tired, and drowning in the idea that I would never be able to get back out of it.
I have been held down by self esteem issues that I hide so well these days- I'm so far from that shy kid I used to be but man.... sometimes the feeling is still there.
I hate getting rejected by other people, especially the ones I care about.
I've finally realized I was basing my worth on what people thought of me- and that of course, is unacceptable. It's wrung my soul out so well that I felt dysfunctional and lost.
But I hid it all.
I tried my best to look "normal" and what's more I tried to get on with my life.
But I couldn't without bring my burdens to His feet.
I couldn't worship, I couldn't even love on Him, without his help.
I am finally free now and I know, that this kind of freedom was meant to last.
I have lived in fear of returning to my chains, but now- I'm ready, to look ahead, start walking, and that way certainly I won't go back.
The loving people from my past are, well... I'm afraid they've deserted me.
I never wanted to say it- I wanted to at least pretend, so I could still dance the dance, even if it meant doing it alone.
But that's not what I'm after now.
I haven't talked with anyone in a long time. Not had a sincere, good talk.
I have been a teacher, and I have confided a couple of little bits here and there but- just to actually discuss, the things of the deep- it's been forever.
I'm changing tracks again. I'm done with being tired.
I'm done with letting anything hold me back from the love of one man that will mark the world forever.
Jesus was one person, but in his 33 years that he lived, he did so much, so many things that astounded the people and introduced them to God in an intimate way which they had never seen before.
My only hope is to love everyday, to live as though my life is at stake.
I'm 18. Jesus was 33 when he was crucified.
If I were to do the same, I would being dying 14 years from now.
I would have fourteen years left on this earth.
Time passes so fast, and I have been too blind.
But I'm discovering something- I see this jewel, this precious stone- it is what I have found beneath all the seeking and suffering through confusion that I have done.
I used to chase after Him, but then wonder what was wrong with me.
I thought normal girls didn't do this- normal girls go to college, get married, and then start paying of their lifelong mortgage. But I was on a different trail, and I couldn't explain why.
But I knew I was pursuing something.
I wanted something, and I knew I was going to get it someday.
I'm nowhere near done but- the love of the Lord is like a precious jewel, His intimacy so beautiful and captivating that it's no wonder I've been looking for it all these years.

Quit telling me to move out.
I'm not gonna run away from my problems, I don't care what you think I'd be doing... it's running away and I'm stronger than that.

I need my space, but more importantly I need Jesus.
I'm tired of going around playing pointless games with you and letting you shove Him out of my life.
He's my all in all. I don't know what you think you are but I really would like to see my friends follow after Him with me. If I refuse to walk away from him with you, don't get your feelings hurt.
That's just how it is I am not a faker and I won't be one.
Big deal.

I already asked you if you wanted to come to Bible study and you said you did... but then you wouldn't stop joking around and trying to get the worst possible case of the chills and thrills because we were in a church building.
And you want my life.
You expect me to revolve around you, and I really am sick of it.
I'm tired of being around people who base their feelings and opinions on what everybody else thinks and says, and who care more about art than the God who invented it.
I feel so alone sometimes, I think ok- I need a good friend- now.
And then you pop up and tell me you're my friend, but the truth is you're just bored and want me to give you something to do.
I really, really am sick and tired of games.

I know I say it so much it's become cheap, but it's true- I love you.
It was good to see you smile last night.
I hope you were still smiling after we drove away.
It was good to feel your touch, to have you hold me for just a little bit more.
I told you to have fun.
Make up for my absence and have the fun that I'm not having there.
I may have fun being with many other people, but with you I feel protected.
It's just this mental thing that I know is not sinful or immature. You just do something really great for me and I can't explain what it is but it's so personal and intimate I don't think I have to.
And I know, for a fact that this is ok.
People have questioned me before. But they don't sway me. They don't convince me that this is just something small.
I really love you.
So go, have fun for me.
Learn, be overjoyed.
I wish I could be there to see it.
I won't ask you this time to come home safe.
Just have a blast while you're there.
And yes. I wanna see your beautiful face again. But I won't make another demand.
You're beautiful.
And you make everything so much better.
You sort through my girly madness, the craziness inside me that tells me I'm not loved- and you knock it all out.
You fix it all for me.
And I could hardly dare to ask for that.
Which is why you are still unmatched to me. Why I can't and won't move on.
Because there is no need.
No guy can mezmerize me like you do, even to this day.
We hurt each other like crazy and we love each other just as much.
I really, really couldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't want it. You are the other peice to me, though I can stand on my own. You make me be myself. And I fit in your arms.
No boy stands a chance against you, young man.

I am still seeking Him.
I don't know what else to say right now besides that really.
I have promised myself I will not get angry at God again, whatever happens.
It all worked out fine last time I was on that track. Things only fell apart once I jumped off.
The thing about God is, that there is no room for bitterness.
He will hold you during the worst times of your life, but while he is holding you- he teaches you how to sing and not cry.
I whine and complain so much, and I have never thought to be grateful.
But he is showing me now, that this is what it's like, to be his child.

I can tell that we're not a match made in heaven.
Because you break my heart a little more every time. And tonight I really think you're killing me.

The music I listen to is like drugs... to revel in my thoughts of you and forget facing reality.

The pain makes me feel pretty. But not near as much as you used to. I feel so trapped and boxed in.
I can't even get angry with you. I just take it all internally and crunch my own heart instead.
It's not ok to have problems. But you've wrecked my life and I can't blame you.

You broke my heart.
How the heck did you think you'd just sneak off?
I wanna be angry so bad but I just can't.
I am seriously incapable. I don't wanna mess anything up for you, I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to make you feel like you did anything wrong here. I don't want you to feel confronted and cornered.
But I don't love you enough to leave, and I know that's what you need.
You need me to teach you that you can't do this to girls.
I'm supposed to show you that it doesn't work that way.
But I'm an idiot.
And I wouldn't ever pass up the chance to let you comfort me after all this mess so.... I stay. I park it, right here. And wait. For years. I wouldn't think myself capable if it weren't for the fact that I've already done it for three.
It has been three years.
Nothing you can say will call my bluff now.
There's no way around it.
Yet you still sneak off, and try your best to get away from me and it's tearing my life up one shred at a time.
But I feel like a prisoner. Because I am not mad at you.

But I think maybe I am.
Whatever it is, I'm trapped. I have nothing nice to say to you right now. That's why I don't tell you about my feelings. Because frankly you piss me off.
And I don't know how else to handle it but to just keep it all inside.

I'm the only one capable of looking like an idiot here.
Even though you led me on and then acted like you didn't even know me.
It's all a bunch of smack but I need to get it out somehow even if this stupid journal is all I can get it on.
It's like talking to myself and it doesn't help all that much but it'll have to do.

Do you realize, there are a million guys out there begging for my attention?
I bet some of them would wonder who the heck would turn me down and break my heart but you had the nerve to do it and you did.
I want it to be over so bad. I'm dead to you anyway.
But the whole thing just keeps going.